Today is National Chocolate Eclair Day. And I’ve got a serious jones.

Unfortunately, after a semi-exhaustive search spanning three supermarkets, four bodegas, and 24 blocks, I remain un-be-eclaired.

This is bullshit.

Do you know anyone who, in his or her professional capacity, assists another individual? Are you lactating? Then this is your day! These intrepid underlings could use some proteinacious milk to help them help others to do their jobs.

Allow me to illustrate with a rebus.

+

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do {

REPEAT,

REPEAT, Endlessly, Perpetually, Eternally, Absolutely, Timelessly,

REPEAT, Endlessly, Perpetually, Eternally, Absolutely, Timelessly, Endlessly, Perpetually, Eternally, Absolutely, Timelessly,

REPEAT, Endlessly, Perpetually, Eternally, Absolutely, Timelessly, Endlessly, Perpetually, Eternally, Absolutely, Timelessly, Endlessly, Perpetually, Eternally, Absolutely, Timelessly,

.

.

.

} while (1>0);

It’s sunscreen day! Unfortunately, if you’re east of the Mississippi, you’re not likely to need it:

But for our friends in the West, go for it. And for the rest of us, why not shake up the staid Eastern establishment by rocking some Banana Boat in the boardroom while it’s drizzling out?

The disciplinary regulations of Brasenose College, Oxford define pennying as the practice of dropping a coin in a cup to coerce someone to consume the contents. When some scalawag submerges the Queen in bitter, the security of the Realm depends on your saving Her Highness from drowning the only way you can: by downing your pint as fast as possible.

Pennying is an effective, if not hygienic, way to bond with someone through shared inebriation and aggression. Why not penny an unsuspecting sucker today?

But be careful whom you penny. As Wikipedia notes: “Professor Stephen Hawking is not to be pennied. This is not actually a rule, but is now widely accepted after two Robinson College students attending a Caius College formal hall were fined in excess of £50 and given a lifelong ban from the college for pennying his dessert.”

Today we celebrate the Thin Blue Lines who man the border between lawrandorder and utter anarchy.

But if, like me, you don’t know any police officers personally, take a moment to honor them through pop culture detritus. Arranged in order of increasing grit:

1.

2.

Now that the nihilistic rush of No Socks Day has faded, it’s time to remember the fallen.

Socks come into our lives, by twos or by twelves, in shrink-wrapped plastic or with those annoying little plastic ties stuck through them, footie or crew. They serve us unflaggingly, cushioning us, absorbing our sweat and funk, shielding us from the cold earth.

And then they leave us. Sometimes an ever-growing hole renders them unwearable. Sometimes they are whisked away to the interior recesses of a Kenmore, never to be recovered. Sometimes their once proud hems and resplendent gold toes are ground down by the weight of the world (and of their wearers). But however they slide off this mortal coil, they have not cobbled us in vain.

Today we honor their sacrifice.

We all have to do what we can to make the world a little greener. Here are three easy ways for you to help out:

1. There’s not enough green on our streets. You can change traffic lights from red to green just by using a universal remote. It’s that simple!
2. Got any quid or loonies? These un-American currencies just don’t get it: only green things can be legal tender. Green your way out of the financial crisis by dyeing some foreign bills today!
3. The universe of green is vast and variegated. But the Wiki-nazis don’t want to admit this diversity. They think they can categorize green into a mere 37 shades. Shake up their square world by adding your own shade of green! Some suggestions: spinach, envy, Greenspan.